putter-on

Was it really just a few months ago?!

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 23:37:26 -0700

Toxic propaganda

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 01:59:00 -0700

His premise is about respect. His conclusion is that he can control my life. I am 24. I have always sought my brother’s advice, friendship and approval. Without his acceptance of my existence I was disturbed for some time. Upon receiving my bachelor’s we became friends. I thought he valued my personhood and found a way to reciprocate the love and respect I have for him. Isn’t the hero supposed to be the good guy? The situation is not ideal, I never intended to be interested in a friend of his. The friend approached it wisely and asked him for approval as a sign of respect. This did not go over well he basically threatened, via my cousin, to disown me. No justification was made. Not to protect me or his friend. Not to save face around his friends bc he doesn’t want details. He lived an ocean away. We wanted his approval but as I thought about it more I went from sad to anxious and panicked. The more I thought, the more I felt- now I’m pissed. Should I accept advice from a stranger? What if that advice doesn’t ‘feel right’? What if is incomprehensible? My thoughts are that we accept the advice that fits well with current beliefs. Occasionally we receive advice that doesn’t fit and we must reject it as faulty or replace some belief with a new one. For one to be rational there is a consistency standard to be met. We are not religious, righteous or sane every day except Tuesday the 12. As creatures of habit we have routines, normal conduct and, as should be expected, certain ways to think which are unique to each person, but there’s a pattern. I would reject this stranger’s advice and likely judge someone that’d take easy words over actual thought. The advice was poor- an emotional premise to support a conclusion that affects the lives of two others… My brother is no different. I had deep respect for him so I have generally given his words more contemplation. I had blindly accepted all his advice. Until now. Now I see that I need to think, because it’s not guaranteed someone else is going to do it. Don’t date him. Why? Because I said so. Show me some respect. You’re my sister not a person. I want to control something that I don’t understand.

This is garbage. All reasons I can list as justification are terrible. I am not a bad person, he didn’t mention his friend will hurt me. This is “not about you man, she’s my sister”. It’s about control and he’s going against his own policy by bringing emotion and ignorance into it. Loyalty and fear are the wrong means. I have decent judgment. As a student and advocator of philosophy I like to think. I probably don’t do it enough. This experience had shown me that I need to think more because what choices have I allowed to be made for me sans thought? It’s not that I don’t believe in things and that appeals to emotion do not work on me sometimes… But in matters of the important parts, I need to wake the fuck up. Wisdom, pride and achievement are not found in one’s refusal to think. I am a thinking thing. I will not betray this again. Though the situation is grossly blown out of proportion, and I’m sad to learn that my hero may have been wrongly titled, I have learned something powerful. It’s not about his friend now. It’s a battle of unjustified emotion and faulty premises against my entire person. I am nothing more than my thoughts. If I become nothing more than someone else’s thoughts that should make me a vessel of destruction, a machine lacking programming coherence. I am nothing more than my thoughts.

Good stuff

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 08:48:06 -0700

I went to the lake last week. I went up on Wednesday and my fam stayed until Saturday. As they departed my brother’s friends arrived and kicked off the second half of the trip. We entertained ourselves with games and booze. Much to my delight I did great on horseshoes. We drove back and for two days I couldn’t get my land legs working. I was bumping my way through work a little dizzy and very bitter to return. I got back to work on Tuesday and the most unexpected thing happened. I’ve been unhappy at work, basically because the gm is an idiot. I do his job and he takes the credit. He’s a very nice guy, but I lack patience to deal with his kind for a long period of time. The last manager quit because of him and, after 10 months, I was reaching my last nerve. So the vp of operations unknowingly granted a wish that I’ve had for some time, to get me moving along. He said my organizational skills and performance made me his first choice for this new position. My title is the same for now, but it would pave way for a new position in the company if I planned things right. On Thursday I accepted the position via email. The gm was trying to talk them out of the opportunity, so I jumped before they listened. I’d planned on saying yes, but they said to let them know at the end of the week and I wanted them to know I had thought it through. Apparently the vp responded to my email, a store account, and my gm knows I’m leaving. This wouldn’t bother me if he wasn’t such a gossip, I wad hoping to leave without much drama. Also, my annua review, which was due a month ago, still has yet to me completed and I fear his annoyance at my transfer may bias his evaluation. But I suppose those reviews are for company movement, and I’m already getting that. Thursday I went out with a guy that my brother had invited to the lake. Awkward… My brother’s friend has me brother’s name. Anyways he invited me to the lake on Friday so I dared him to have a drink Thursday. It went well, he’s a calm person that’s a lot of fun. We survived the night, then headed to the lake. My roommate had blabbed about it being my birthday so the lake was interesting. Lots of cheers, singing and my first shotgun beer. We swam, boarded and loitered in the sun. I even got to wakesurf and did the best I ever had. I can get up and toss the rope but it’s hard for me to navigate and balance in the wake. Once I fall back I can’t recover. Not only did I recover, I did it several times. Apparently the group was pleased. They praised me and hooted when I was done. Such an amazing day… The guy I went with, who will be called dirty (team names from the previous trip, he and my roommate were dirty sanchez so I split their name. I am Puppet), asked whether I had plans or wanted to hang out. I said I needed a nap and then would be ready for anything. We got back from the lake and never got past the nap. I’m resting up for tonight and tomorrow. What I dot understand about him is everything, but I’m not bothered by it right now. We have similar interests and he’s easy going, just what a high strung gal needs. Le sigh, I’m so tired.

Gym

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:30:07 -0700

So I’ve been loyal to the gym. I’ve been wanting to go back for years, and I finally did. I’ve gone for 2 months and it’s embedded into me again. When I work out in the morning I’m ready to go again after work. I obsess. I have actually seen results though, which is surprising because I was already thin. I’m 5’1” and fluctuate from low to mid 90s. My weight isn’t what I’m hung up on, what really shocks (and pleases) me is that I still have fat to cut. My wait was 24” before and it’s now 22.5”. I have no hips so the only way to look womanly is to cut some waist away. I’m finally defining and builing my lateral delts, and my abs are back. Some girl at the gym told me the other day I had t most amazing abs! Sweet Jesus. I knew it was easy for me to build muscle and define it, but I am still in awe that my body is still ready to do what I Wang. Even cardio, always my worst, isn’t so bad! My breakthrough today was trying new machines. With two hours a day at the gym there’s no reason to not exploit every machine. I’ve been eyeing the read delt pec fly and I finally tried it. I’m shy at the gym, I’m a young girl so I attract awkward attention and I’m always scared to look dumb. Stupid, yes, but that’s my hangup. I tried three new machines and they kicked my ass. I want t go back now.

Golf

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 15:35:59 -0700

My dad called me randomly Thursday night and said he wanted to take me on Friday to get my clubs fitted. I figured that meant we would get me driver cut and maybe pick up an iron, the lowest my set came with was a seven so I’ve been itching for something lower. It turns out he wanted to get me fitted for a whole new set! New driver and irons, pw, sw, and 9-4 irons! My mom bought me clubs last year for my birthday and settled on a set that would let me play, but since she wasn’t sure how serious I was about picking the game up, she didn’t get anything pricey. That was totally fine with me, I didn’t even know whether I was serious. But I’ve been pretty loyal and they apparently like playing a round a few times a month with their daughter. When we arrived for the appointment the guy was skeptical about me playing. I thin he wrote me off as a loving daughter that hacked aroundto please her parents. When he took me to the simulator he prefaced with “I’ve seen it all so don’t worry and do your best”. Five minutes later he got a funny look on his face and asked if I had taken lessons. I said I had one so far and two more to go. He then asked if I’d been playing for a long time. I said I played when I was about nine or ten then quit. My dad laughed, said it didn’t count and said all that did count are the few months since I’d started back up. It HAS been 12 years since I’d given it up. The man looked at me and says “you’ve got a great swing, what other sports do you play?” I was pretty amused. Even if my game isn’t perfect, or even near, it’s awesome to get a compliment like that… especially considering that lots of people hack away and never get a good swing, or so he says. I’ve heard it before and some guy at the driving range awhile back even looked at me like a prodigy, I guess it’s because girls don’t play or t isn’t expected that they can be decent or serious about something not relating to clothes and makeup. I firmly believe that my game will improve a lot now. When he had me try a few different size clubs and driver I hit a lot better. My driver was MUCH too long as I had suspected. And the head angle wasn’t great for me. I know it’s not a sure answer, but it’ll offer me a better chance at getting good. So in one week I’ll be picking up my old bag with some new tricks. What a nice gesture from my dad, too bad it’s so expensive! $700!! But it means a lot to him to had that bonding thing. We haven’t spent as mcg time together the past few years as we used to. We used I camp and fish and snowboard but that’s given way to school and work. Plus it’s something he, my mom and I can do together without too much cost, time or planning. I’m pretty excited. Oh hell, I’m completely fucking apeshit stoked! I can’t wait!

Golf

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:23:02 -0700

Rock Band

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:06:04 -0700

So I played rock band for the first time last night. For like… four hours… sometimes i’m a crazy person. 299 note streak!

My two roommates are on summer break right now. They are teachers and have quickly forgotten how...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 06:57:36 -0700

My two roommates are on summer break right now. They are teachers and have quickly forgotten how difficult it is to get up after too little sleep. Between 1 and 5 this morning I was woken up several times by them. One came home drunk and banged around, slammed the front door, etc. She did it again a short while later. Then the other roommate and her boyfriend came home and did the same. They too woke me later, but with loud and ridiculously long sex. I am all for their premarital extracurriculars, but some hours are off limits. And it’s not like she tries to be quiet, she screams. It’s like she wants to rub in the fact that the other roommate and I are single. Still though, at least I’m not having fat sex! So I woke up at 6 and couldn’t get back to sleep. The payback begins. Blender, check. Hair dryer, check. Slammed doors, television, check check. Me, pms? No way!

Berla.

Sun, 31 May 2009 00:14:17 -0700

Berla.

This is what I’ve been tearing apart, ripping up, digging...

Sun, 31 May 2009 00:13:13 -0700

This is what I’ve been tearing apart, ripping up, digging up.. More to follow

Two baby birds next to my tee box on the back nine.

Sun, 31 May 2009 00:11:06 -0700

Two baby birds next to my tee box on the back nine.

So golf isn’t really a sport you can just randomly play every couple months. Apparently I need...

Sun, 31 May 2009 00:07:31 -0700

So golf isn’t really a sport you can just randomly play every couple months. Apparently I need to give it more attention.

By the way, once you cannot use a word anymore, it becomes impossible not to say (I.e., I’m dead tired, jeff dunham ‘I’ll kill you’, FML).

"If you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse."

Sat, 23 May 2009 02:36:29 -0700

“If you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse.”

Photo

Sat, 23 May 2009 00:06:58 -0700

Debbie’s funeral is tomorrow. I sure as hell hope that I’m strong enough to be the kind...

Fri, 22 May 2009 23:43:27 -0700

Debbie’s funeral is tomorrow. I sure as hell hope that I’m strong enough to be the kind of friend I need to be right now. Shitfuck.

NIN

Fri, 15 May 2009 23:40:42 -0700

NIN/JA tonight. It was amazing.

I still can’t figure out why the fuck NIN would be opening for Jane’s. Nothing against them, but they’re no comparison to Trent. FYL.

Trip!

Sat, 09 May 2009 23:40:42 -0700

To Flagstaff to visit friends! Wineloft! Apples to apples! Huzzah!!!!

as I entered the market to pick up some goddies two little old ladies took notice of me and chatted...

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:57:32 -0700

as I entered the market to pick up some goddies two little old ladies took notice of me and chatted me up. I don’t get that often, and I can’t say I’m usually open for conversation with random people. they were sweet though, and it kind of made me day. the randomness of our conversation made me a little more ready for the day. :)

I’m watching a bee…

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 13:35:21 -0700

I’m watching a bee…

Oink

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 10:09:07 -0700

I wish I’d gotten to say goodbye to Berla, cutest fat pig ever, clear blue eyes.